And All these Little Things.

When I said I'm in love with you. I wasnt lying. Maybe now you've moved on me. But I really dont want to move on eventho I have to. How can I simply let go of someone, who took care of, who would stand all my arguments about simplest thing, who would stay if eventho you had so many reasons to leave me. How easy can I let it all go. Our promises. Our dreams. You love milo but you cant take other milo than milo kotak or you'll get sweaty and feel like vomiting. You hate it when people nag at you. You love the colour red. You would definitely prefer tumblr than everything. You suck at singing but it is so cute when you sing to me. You always feel like your hair is the worst hair ever when your hair is the most stunning hair I've ever seen. You love it when I call you sayang, baby, sweetheart, darling and all the manja names. You love Siwon. You hate hunger games. You always call me budak budak or even said that I'm like a baby. Your baby. You always call me babe. You have the most manja voice especially in the morning. You're so garang when it comes to me for not eating or mandi. There's just so much about you that I could tell. I still hope what I gave to you. All. And if I ever gonna fall in love again. It would definitely be you. But now that we're over. I guess. But that doesnt I've stopped loving you right? Maybe I will move on one day and fall in again but I'm sure that its not gonna be the same like how I fell for you. Falling in love with you was so. Was so magical. Falling in love with you is like flying all all around the world. Its so wonderful. I'm gonna miss staring at your beautiful eyes, play with your hair, tell you how much I love you, tell you how much you mean to me, giving all my best for you, your voice, your cute little laugh, the way you smile just melts my heart. Everything. I'm gonna miss you. So much. Because you are the first person that I've loved this much. I hope you are happy and find someone who's better than me for sure. I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. So badly. I'm sorry that I treated you like shit before. I'm sorry you didnt feel like a princess. And as I promised. I'll love you so much. I'll love you endlessly. Moving on is the best thing we could both do but it takes a very long time for me. Goodbye my lover, my friend, my bestfriend, my soul, my everything. I love you so much, sayang ❤

I gave it all but I guess it was not enough

Hello. Everything's is starting to fall apart and I dont know what to do. Everyone is assuming I have bipolar. Its not funny at all. My uncle has that disorder. My mama also said this to me " perangai kau dah nak sama macam dia " and do you know how hurtful it is? The only person I trust. You know who you are, love. She was there when my family abandoned me. She stopped me from comitting suicide. She told me all the positive things in me when I said the negative ones. But now. She's no longer there because of something. I hope I dont have this bipolar disorder. But the symtops are like .. Me. If its true. If i have bipolar disorder, i would never forgive myself. Lately I've cut my wrist, my hands. And thought of suicide. Every night I think about this thing that was said by someone. She said, because of me her sister is ruined. Is it true? What have I done to people's life. I dont even think that I deserve to live anymore. People always leave me hanging. Always. That saddens me. I'm sorry I have ruined people's life. I have know idea. And now, theres no one to tell me that I'm better than this. No one who's gonna be here for me. No one to stop me from doing stupid things. Maybe its true. Because of me everyone is ruined. Should I live in this beautiful world when I'm ruining people's life. Would everyone be happy if I leave this world? Would the person that's always there for me will be free after what I've done to her, hurt her. Would that person said that i ruined her sister's life, be happy? If yes. I'm willing to leave. I'm sorry eveyone.

The Weight Of A Heavy World.

hello there narnians. hello there. I had this drama with a family lulz. anyways i wanna talk about my sayang. hey if you are reading this ( which I know you will ) i love sayang so much and I miss my baby so much. Its been a while since we last talk. I know I caused you so much trouble this time and I'm sorry. because of me you are pretty scared of your family condition now eh sayang? just wanna let you know that, everything's gonna be alright okay? we just have take it really slow this time. we must be a little sabar okay? after that we can lovey dovey as usual. so btw i miss sayang so much. your little talks. staring at your beautiful eyes and more sayang. i cant really sleep at night cause all that I think of is you sayang. i fall asleep everyday reading your texts. seeing your pictures that you gave me and the ones that i secretly captured hehehe ( i love you too sayang <3 :* ) so my two days without talking to sayang. REALLY NOT A GOOD DAY THO. Chelsea lost against sayang's team. MAN UTD -.-t THE REFF WAS BEING SO UNFAIR OKAY SAYANG. HA SAYANG BAYAR REFF TU BERAPA AH? lost they lost 3-2. not just that. Torres and Ivanovic got a red card, seriously baby how much di sayang pay the reff -.- hm i better go now. do as you promised me, EVERDAY TAU! bye busuk. I love sayang so much, I'll miss baby so much. Good night sayang, sweetdreams baby, sleeptight princess. mwah mwaa <3 :*

Eh?

Oh hi there. ignore my post before this. I feel like stabbing myself after reading it ... Lol. Emotional level infinity meng. Life is hard for me to handle now. Look at Katniss, omaigawd. But I prefer Izara Aishah because she is just too adorable. LOL. Anyways, I'm being invisible to the world. It sucks. Lost almost everyone. Well not everyone. I have nothing to say. chiow ~

the last goodbye.

hi people. yeah I didn't blog for a long time. lol. as you can see,I've changed a lot, pain does that to people. I deactivated my twitter and facebook account too and I'm better without em'. after 9 months I get to know this one girl and 9 months of trying so hard and fail all the way to make her happy. we fight all the time. but I'm starting to give up and never fight for you back. I don't know. I suddenly like don't care about you anymore. I do, but not as much as the last 9 months. I don't know what's going on but its like there's nothing I feel about you anymore. we're good but I don't even matter if we don't talk more than three days and surprisingly I don't wait for your talk anymore... I don't miss you that much as I did before anymore. I don't bother about you as much as I did before anymore or get sad about you anymore... it's like, my feelings for the last 9 months towards you just gone. you used to be the amazing thing in my life but now, not anymore. and our convo asyik dead je and I don't try to make effort to talk to you anymore. I dont know, its better if we just not being friends anymore... I used to tell you that I'm afraid of losing you someday but right now I just dont mean it. I'm over you already. I dont get sad or mad if you're with other juniors anymore. I know its weird that I don't care anymore but this is real. my feelings towards our friendship, its there anymore. even it is still there but its not the same as how I feel for the last 9 months. I seldom think about you anymore. I used to care about you a lot but day by day I realized that, you're no longer the person I used to love. our friendship is not failing apart but I just feel this few days back and yeah. I wish I could love, care and think about you just as much as I did BEFORE. I tried but I just can't. that feeling wont exist anymore even if I tried my best. you've brought out the best in me, true that but right now you just don't.. even if you do, I dont feel it anymore. I'm feeling like this is because maybe you had me for the past 9 months but you just didnt see me? or you just want me when you know you can't have me anymore. I don't know, I just don't but honestly. I dont feel anything anymore towards you just as much as I did from january until november. I'm sorry for everything but I dont feel it anymore :/

last.

hi. dear readers. the truth is, it wasnt Nashuha's fault. she treated me good enough. I am the one who was so selfish and not grateful. I wish I could make things right again but I cant. aku ni panas baran and rude. I'm sensitive when it comes to everything. this is the first time I cared so much about friendship that is why I'm like this. before I met Nashuha, I played with everyone's heart, I break their heart and stuff. I was an asshole before I met Nashuha. no wonder I dont really like people last time. and when I met Nashuha, I cared for her so much til I'm afraid of loosing her and might break her heart. pay back's a bitch huh? I deserve it anyway. sometimes letting go of someone we love might be hard but I dont know. I hope I'll be fine. thanks for everything. its okay. I'm fine with it. seriously. I'm fine, eventually. I shouldnt be mad at you for everything, I know, I was wrong and I admit it. guess thats all. so Khairun Nashuha Mustaffa Halabi, you're leaving me? you made a good decision. no kidding. sorry for all the pain, heart aches, sorry kalau I selalu buat you macam nak baling or hang up everytime we talk on the phone, sorry for being emotionally sad and mad at everything. I'm sorry for everything. sorry sorry and sorry. I wish nothing but the best for your future. thank you for making me happy for 7 months. I'd appreciate it. you're the best I've had, so far. do whatever what makes you happy. if by leaving me makes you happy, then I'm happy for it. I'm sorry, thanks and goodbye, Khairun Nashuha Mustaffa Halabi.

1st November 2011.

hey. came back from Indonesia at 10 something. when I was in Jakarta, I was having so much fun but I've think too much as well. I was thinking what should I do and stuff. I thought when I get back from Indonesia, things would be just fine. I swear I thought this fight macam normal. I mean we both selalu gaduh over every single thing. 2 weeks we didnt talk or text or whatever, you just MIA. let's reply all the memories that we've spent? well yeah. 7th February 2011 - the first day we met. remember when I came to sesi pagi to see Eileen and she introduced her friends to me and you're one of them. I was so shy to say hi at you. then you offered me chocolate called daim and I took it with my shy face and you laughed. days after that we started to talk to each other at facebook but not really that often. remember when your '' choir season ''. everyday dekat dewan tu you have this choir practice and when I look at you, you just smile at me everyday. at the same time I'm having some family problem and you listened all my stories and we became close friends. remember when you used to prank me like the fake fight at the end you'll say ' AHAHAHA KENA GAME ' yeah. and after 2 months we started to have fights and argues. on teachers day we hung out together with your friends. remember when we exchanged our phone for one week? it was fun. then you introduced me to your mum, Puan Salasiah. I was so shy and scared but you said '' dia baik lah, trust me '' and you're right, she is. then a day before sports day you were busy watching the sports going on at the back of our school cabin. I went there to find you, and I did we wacth together that thing and stuff and I just realized that my file was missing and I'm pretty sure that it was one of my friends. so I told you about that and you went to look for them and said '' korang ada ambil file ariesha ke? '' then they lied by saying '' takda '' and you said '' kalau aku tahu kau ambil file ariesha, siap korang ''. hahahaha that was fun too. you're funny when you're mad. then on sports day, we hung out together but we didnt talked much, I dont know why. I just follow you around the stadium with your friends and stay silent. I really had a great time eventho that day didnt go very well. carnival bukit jelutong 11', we hung out and took some pictures. that you had to leave earlier cause you wanted to go to your friend's place and asked me to stay with cya. and I did. so I went back and print the pictures, and one of the pictures was I really liked it so I put it in my wallet. on hari 1 murid 1 sukan 1 malaysia day I finished the race earlier than you did so I waited for you at the finished line, and all you say was '' oh hi '' and walked away with your friends. so I just assumed that you were busy or tired and I just let you be. i hung out with '' her '' and she asked me why I tak lepak with you and stuff. I lied and said '' oh malas ah '' and she checked my wallet and saw the picture and throw it. and guess what? I pick up walaupun kat dalam tong sampah and put it back inside my wallet. yeah, thats it, sometimes we bumped with each other at school, sometimes I just watched you masa balik when you dont really noticed I was there. I get sad when we dont talk or text more than 3 days. I trust you. I really wanna make you happy. I'm afraid of loosing you someday and everytime I tell you that, you'll say ''chill lah, i'll never leave you '' such a relief and I actually believed it. then we started to have fights every single day. you kinda like changed. you wont tell me things. I dont know. things just changed day by day. then 19th October we had random convos at whatsapp and suddenly you appeared offline without saying bye, I assumed that you;re sleeping or something. then after 1 week, yuo dont text or whatsapp me. I started to feel so .. fucked up and keep thinking stuff. then went to Jakartaand now I'm in Malaysia. aku balik rumah waiting for a text from you. then I decided to call you, you didnt pick up. and yeah I deleted your number but I'd still remember your number even when I've deleted it. then you texted me '' shaa you called? '' and I was mad like yeah, after 2 weeks baru nak reply. I said '' siapa ni '' and we kinda like bla bla fight idk. idc. and today is 1st November 2011. I thought today is brand new month for me to start and IDONTKNW? feel better maybe? so I went online just now and shit whatever. and I received a text from. and that text was long, I think its the longest text you've ever text me. now in that text. its cleared that you wanted to leave me. what is air. this is the first time. usually I'm the who always wanna leave you. guess this is it. I dont know what to do now and I'm all fucked up. you.. I wish you have great life without me, khairun nashuha mustaffa halabi.